we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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