he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
