Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
