I puked a lego.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
