dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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