I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
