I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
