Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
