just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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