How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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