grandma shit on top of the toilet
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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