The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
