Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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