i was born a porn star she said
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
