I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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