She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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