hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I intend to get homeless drunk
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
