I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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