I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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