God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
