do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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