So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
