You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
