I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
