My first STD was from a foam party
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
