The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
