i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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