Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
