if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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