the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
