Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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