Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
