Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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