so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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