Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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