Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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