ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
