She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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