how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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