Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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