I don't usually arrange sex via text message
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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