remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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