walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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