i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I am naked and annoyed.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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