I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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