mondays should just be called national damage control day
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
