why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
