I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
