Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
