Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
