Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
